hey, nina... sorry, i didn't make it to class last night. there was a 2-hour black out so... yeah. the hassles of third world life... sigh.

so... another email from you! nice, nice! :) sorry, it took me awhile to message back. i only noticed your email 2 nights ago, and a brokenhearted friend wanted to drink after work, so i didn't really have the time to reply. anyways...

yeah, i know about "shanti". :) i have actualy thought about naming my kid "shanti" ( i mean, when the time comes that i have one). but i have met a couple of people with the same name in the recent years, so it has somehow become less special to me. lately, though, i've been fancying slavic names like mischka, alessandra, vadim, and i also like the jap name akira. they're pleasant to the ears and nice on the tongue, i think. :) it'd also be fun to have something with a nice story behind it. kinda like mine, but more pleasant and less dorky sounding. ah, enough of this. i'm too young (and broke!) to be talking about motherhood!

now, on more serious stuff. you know what, like you, i also always get that feeling that i was born in the wrong country. actually, not only that; even in the wrong century, wrong planet, wrong galaxy, and during extremely desperate moments, i sometimes feel like it was wrong for me to have been born at all. my life also seems to have no direction, no purpose. sometimes i feel like a leaf drifting aimlessly with the wind... a withered leaf at that... but, hmmm.... i try to fight this existential nihilism as much as i can, not for myself, but for the people i care about. oftentimes, i just sigh about it. sighing has kinda become my own "shanti, shanti"... the release gives me this sense of relief that i can't explain. it's like a quick meditation. sighhhh... ;)

contrary to what you think, i actually understand your present situation. don't take me too serisously all the time, ok? i'm usually just being sarcastic. :) though, sure, there are moments when my jokes are half-meant. hehe. yeah, being crazy is hell of fun, but the thing is... my idea of crazy is different from yours, far different. crazy to me would be... not studying for an exam to watch a meteor shower... skipping school to go on a road trip or... whatever. meanwhile, your idea of crazy is subjecting yourself to solitary confinement for half a year with a pile of books under your nose 24/7. now, that's CRAZY, not just crazy, and that kind of crazy ain't fun... for me, at least. i just think you're being too hard on yourself sometimes, that's all. i mean, what's a one or two-hour break every other day? meet friends, have ice cream, take a walk in the park or something. i understand how that exam means everything to you, but... you're still human, not a robot! you need to have fun, too. ah, i remember a little story... dya know how the buddha came to be enlightened? i'll tell you how... one day, while he was meditating under a tree, he overheard a man talking about a certain musical instrument with his son. he said something like, "if the strings are to loose, they won't play; if they are too tight, they will break. they need to be just right to work"... hence, buddha came to discover the middle way, a path between the extremes of indulgence and abstinence. i think it should be applied in all the other aspects of life, too. and yeah, there's a reason why goldilocks liked baby bear's bed, chair, and porridge over his parents'... because they were JUST RIGHT.

so... shanti, shanti... sigh, sigh...

xoxo
the crazier girl